A Life of Regret

Jason shuffled his feet through the corridor, shoulders slumped forward with his head bent downward seeing only the red rectangular shaped tile path that would take him back to his room. The price of making poor choices throughout his life left him filled with deep remorse and regret. At 50 years old he realized that it is the culmination of those choices that he now has to live with; the consequences of living a wasted self-centered life. 

Jason returned to his room just in time to watch as the attendants lifted his roommates barely warm body onto a gurney to take him to the morgue. He shuddered with the painful acknowledgement that in a very short time that could be him. Pulling the tie on his bathrobe to secure it,  he decided to go to the patio to warm himself in the late morning sunshine.

He chose a bench in the far end of the courtyard to avoid conversations with other patients and closed his eyes. The cancer has metastasized and we will need aggressive chemo-therapy treatments the doctors told him yesterday. He felt the hot tears of resignation stream down the side of his face. The life he took for granted and abused is now so precious to him.    

“You look like you could use some coffee.” 

He opened his eyes and saw Audrey’s sweet cherub face and her hand thrust forward with a steaming cup of coffee. He couldn’t help but smile.  

“Hi Audrey” he said accepting the cup.

“What are you doing sitting way over here?  I have been looking for you all morning”, she scolded with a little pout.

“Marty died this morning”, he said softly

Audrey’s face turned serious as she sat down next to him and took hold of his hands. Hers were so soft and warm against his calloused and wrinkled hands.  

“Would you like to say a prayer?” she asked 

“No thanks!” he said adamantly “Why would God listen to me now, after all that I have done.  Don’t you think it is sort of hypocritical to pray now after ignoring God for years?”  

Audrey was quiet for a moment.  She could see the pain and bitterness in his eyes from the regret and guilt he carried deep inside. 

“No, I don’t think it is hypocritical, if you are sincere. God is our heavenly Father and he loves you unconditionally.  He loves you so much, as a matter of fact, that he gave his only son to die for your sins, so that you may live. It say’s in the bible that God will never leave you or forsake you. He wants you to come to him.”  

Audrey reached into her bag and pulled out a book that he instantly recognized.  Jason started to protest, but Audrey raised her hand to stop him from speaking.  “Please Jason, let me read to you this one verse”.  He nodded and closed his eyes.

She opened the book and read: 

⁴ But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, ⁵ that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)  Ephesians 2:4-5   

One more and then I will stop she said, flipping frantically through the book to a marker jetting out from the page.  Slowly she read:

²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

When Audrey looked up and saw Jason’s face, it had softened a little.  She smiled handing the book to Jason.

“Sleep on that" she said sweetly as she stood up to leave. “I will see you tomorrow”.

Jason looked down at the brown leather bound book in his hands and wondered.

To be continued...