A Life of Regret - Part II

Jason lay in bed with his head turned so he could look out the window into the shadowy comforting darkness.  The only light was that of an occasional headlight from a car entering the parking lot. The downspout outside his corner room window echoed with the chronic sound of dripping water. He could hear the blood rushing in his head in perfect time with the ticking of the clock on the wall.

He thought about his son Michael wondering if he would see him again before...? Jason drew in a deep breath. He had abandoned Michael when he was 13 years old with harsh words that should never come from a fathers mouth. It was mean, but he was a lousy role model and had been confident that Michael would be better off without him. He closed his eyes aching with guilt and remorse.    

He heard the door creak open and a stream of light from the hallway pierced the darkness.  Melanie the night nurse was here to check his vital signs. He could hear her orthopedic nursing shoes as they squeaked softly across the linoleum to the window.

“Do you want these blinds closed?” she asked in a half whisper

“No, leave them open” he said, “it reminds me that there is life beyond these walls.”

“I hear that you are going home tomorrow” she proclaimed with a smile as she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his upper left arm.

“That’s the rumor here in the south wing,” he said dramatically with a forced smile knowing that he wasn’t sure where he would go once he was released.  

Melanie chuckled patting his arm and then disappeared into the brashly lighted corridor outside.

After a few minutes, Jason sat up and after inserting his feet into the mocassin-like slippers next to his bed moved with purpose to the table and chair next to the window. He remembered Audrey’s words from yesterday.  It’s never too late, she had told him and he knew that he needed to do something. In order for him to ask God for forgiveness and to forgive himself for the indiscretions of his past, he needed to change and somehow make amends to Michael and others whom he had caused so much suffering.  He looked around the room for a paper and pen and found only the clip board with his patient record with three extra pages and a pencil attached. This will have to do he thought flipping the pages over to use the blank space on the back side.

Jason wrote, “Things to Do Before I Die” at the top of the page.  His was not the typical bucket list of activities like parachuting out of an airplane or visiting the Grand Canyon. He had more important things in mind. His was a list of resolution, repentance and humility with a burning desire for mercy and forgiveness. It was a painful process and he felt so ashamed of his past. 

Jason worked through the night, remembering, planning and making notes. He was determined to put the past behind him and hoped that God and Michael would give him a second chance.   

As the sun peeked over the horizon and the clouds turned pink in the mornings first light, Jason lay down his pencil and sat back to savor the moment. Out of the corner of his eye he spied the bible that Ann gave him yesterday on the chair next to his bed.  He reached over and picked it up gently as if it were fragile. He took a deep breathe and opened to the page marked with a bright pink post-it note. The delicate pages fell open and felt soft and filmy against his calloused hands. His eyes were drawn to a verse that had been highlighted with a florescent green pen.  Jason read out loud: 

A Psalm of David

23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Jason bowed his head weeping and started to pray. 

Dear Lord;

I know that I don’t deserve it, but please forgive me!  I am so sorry for being so selfish and hateful to you and my family.  Please help me to change whatever life I have left so that I may be a blessing and not a burden to my family and to you.  I don’t know what to do first, so I hope you will give me a second chance and help me walk through this.  Amen    

After a few moments Jason lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes just in time to see the most beautiful glistening rainbow he had ever seen and for the first time, he felt at peace.

Have a Blessed Day!

“The God I believe in is a God of second chances.”  Bill Clinton