A Life of Regret - Part II

Jason lay in bed with his head turned so he could look out the window into the shadowy comforting darkness.  The only light was that of an occasional headlight from a car entering the parking lot. The downspout outside his corner room window echoed with the chronic sound of dripping water. He could hear the blood rushing in his head in perfect time with the ticking of the clock on the wall.

He thought about his son Michael wondering if he would see him again before...? Jason drew in a deep breath. He had abandoned Michael when he was 13 years old with harsh words that should never come from a fathers mouth. It was mean, but he was a lousy role model and had been confident that Michael would be better off without him. He closed his eyes aching with guilt and remorse.    

He heard the door creak open and a stream of light from the hallway pierced the darkness.  Melanie the night nurse was here to check his vital signs. He could hear her orthopedic nursing shoes as they squeaked softly across the linoleum to the window.

“Do you want these blinds closed?” she asked in a half whisper

“No, leave them open” he said, “it reminds me that there is life beyond these walls.”

“I hear that you are going home tomorrow” she proclaimed with a smile as she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his upper left arm.

“That’s the rumor here in the south wing,” he said dramatically with a forced smile knowing that he wasn’t sure where he would go once he was released.  

Melanie chuckled patting his arm and then disappeared into the brashly lighted corridor outside.

After a few minutes, Jason sat up and after inserting his feet into the mocassin-like slippers next to his bed moved with purpose to the table and chair next to the window. He remembered Audrey’s words from yesterday.  It’s never too late, she had told him and he knew that he needed to do something. In order for him to ask God for forgiveness and to forgive himself for the indiscretions of his past, he needed to change and somehow make amends to Michael and others whom he had caused so much suffering.  He looked around the room for a paper and pen and found only the clip board with his patient record with three extra pages and a pencil attached. This will have to do he thought flipping the pages over to use the blank space on the back side.

Jason wrote, “Things to Do Before I Die” at the top of the page.  His was not the typical bucket list of activities like parachuting out of an airplane or visiting the Grand Canyon. He had more important things in mind. His was a list of resolution, repentance and humility with a burning desire for mercy and forgiveness. It was a painful process and he felt so ashamed of his past. 

Jason worked through the night, remembering, planning and making notes. He was determined to put the past behind him and hoped that God and Michael would give him a second chance.   

As the sun peeked over the horizon and the clouds turned pink in the mornings first light, Jason lay down his pencil and sat back to savor the moment. Out of the corner of his eye he spied the bible that Ann gave him yesterday on the chair next to his bed.  He reached over and picked it up gently as if it were fragile. He took a deep breathe and opened to the page marked with a bright pink post-it note. The delicate pages fell open and felt soft and filmy against his calloused hands. His eyes were drawn to a verse that had been highlighted with a florescent green pen.  Jason read out loud: 

A Psalm of David

23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Jason bowed his head weeping and started to pray. 

Dear Lord;

I know that I don’t deserve it, but please forgive me!  I am so sorry for being so selfish and hateful to you and my family.  Please help me to change whatever life I have left so that I may be a blessing and not a burden to my family and to you.  I don’t know what to do first, so I hope you will give me a second chance and help me walk through this.  Amen    

After a few moments Jason lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes just in time to see the most beautiful glistening rainbow he had ever seen and for the first time, he felt at peace.

Have a Blessed Day!

“The God I believe in is a God of second chances.”  Bill Clinton

A Life of Regret

Jason shuffled his feet through the corridor, shoulders slumped forward with his head bent downward seeing only the red rectangular shaped tile path that would take him back to his room. The price of making poor choices throughout his life left him filled with deep remorse and regret. At 50 years old he realized that it is the culmination of those choices that he now has to live with; the consequences of living a wasted self-centered life. 

Jason returned to his room just in time to watch as the attendants lifted his roommates barely warm body onto a gurney to take him to the morgue. He shuddered with the painful acknowledgement that in a very short time that could be him. Pulling the tie on his bathrobe to secure it,  he decided to go to the patio to warm himself in the late morning sunshine.

He chose a bench in the far end of the courtyard to avoid conversations with other patients and closed his eyes. The cancer has metastasized and we will need aggressive chemo-therapy treatments the doctors told him yesterday. He felt the hot tears of resignation stream down the side of his face. The life he took for granted and abused is now so precious to him.    

“You look like you could use some coffee.” 

He opened his eyes and saw Audrey’s sweet cherub face and her hand thrust forward with a steaming cup of coffee. He couldn’t help but smile.  

“Hi Audrey” he said accepting the cup.

“What are you doing sitting way over here?  I have been looking for you all morning”, she scolded with a little pout.

“Marty died this morning”, he said softly

Audrey’s face turned serious as she sat down next to him and took hold of his hands. Hers were so soft and warm against his calloused and wrinkled hands.  

“Would you like to say a prayer?” she asked 

“No thanks!” he said adamantly “Why would God listen to me now, after all that I have done.  Don’t you think it is sort of hypocritical to pray now after ignoring God for years?”  

Audrey was quiet for a moment.  She could see the pain and bitterness in his eyes from the regret and guilt he carried deep inside. 

“No, I don’t think it is hypocritical, if you are sincere. God is our heavenly Father and he loves you unconditionally.  He loves you so much, as a matter of fact, that he gave his only son to die for your sins, so that you may live. It say’s in the bible that God will never leave you or forsake you. He wants you to come to him.”  

Audrey reached into her bag and pulled out a book that he instantly recognized.  Jason started to protest, but Audrey raised her hand to stop him from speaking.  “Please Jason, let me read to you this one verse”.  He nodded and closed his eyes.

She opened the book and read: 

⁴ But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, ⁵ that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)  Ephesians 2:4-5   

One more and then I will stop she said, flipping frantically through the book to a marker jetting out from the page.  Slowly she read:

²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

When Audrey looked up and saw Jason’s face, it had softened a little.  She smiled handing the book to Jason.

“Sleep on that" she said sweetly as she stood up to leave. “I will see you tomorrow”.

Jason looked down at the brown leather bound book in his hands and wondered.

To be continued...

The Gardener

Jesus, the True Vine  - John 15:1-8

15 “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. ³ You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. ⁴ Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

⁵ “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. ⁷ But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! ⁸ When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

When I came home from work the other day I was shocked to see my beautiful rose bushes pruned back to about a foot tall.  Last summer these beautiful bushes stood five feet tall and were covered with brilliantly colored fragrant blossoms.  I would stop by each day to inhale the scent of each flower and admire the beauty of this creation.  I felt sad to see them cut back so far and worried that the plants were dead. 

I know from experience that pruning the rose bushes in this manner is necessary for the health and longevity of the bush.  Pruning encourages new growth and blooms, removes dead wood, improves air circulation to the plant and shapes the plant.  I also know that as the cold snap of winter passes in a few months, I will see the plant grow and new leaves will emerge and by summer there will be a new crop of roses, perhaps even more beautiful and intoxicating than the last.    

For us, God is the gardener and Jesus the true vine.  God is constantly pruning, not just in the dead of winter.  He removes the dead wood from our lives, the things that hold us back and can severe us from the vine of Jesus, such as bad habits and people that influence us in sinful ways. We may think that we are growing and coming along just fine, but our creator knows what is best for us and what we can become.  God, the artistic gardener prunes and shapes us, filling us daily with his love and new hope that nourishes us.  In time we will grow and blossom filled with His abundance.     

Dear God, 

Thank you for providing, your son, sweet Jesus as the vine that keeps us connected to you.  It hurts sometimes when you prune me, but I know that it is your way of getting my attention and putting me back on the right path, the path you set for me.  I know that it is your way of shaping and molding me for the plans you have for me in this life and that you prune me because you love me so much! I am truly grateful Father.  Prune away!  Amen 


I found this sweet video on youtube, only two minutes long, but worth the watch.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTyvkPpcv_k

A Call to Holy Living

1 Peter 1:13 (NLT) ¹³ So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world.

Jan stirred her coffee thoughtfully with a look of disappointment on her face. Nancy looked across the table as she took a bite of the pumpkin bread and asked “what’s wrong?"

Jan said, “I am so discouraged. It has been only one week and I have already blown most of my New Year resolutions.  I am so frustrated.  I really wanted to stick to my new diet this time!”.  

Nancy laughed out loud and Jan stared at her with wonder. “I’m sorry to laugh, it’s not at you, I promise”,  Nancy said apologetically, “It’s just that I have struggled with New Year resolutions my whole life and last year I decided not to make them anymore.”   

Jan looked at her a little stunned and said, “So you don’t think you need to change anything about yourself?"   

Nancy laughed even harder this time and said, “Are you kidding?!  The list is long and overwhelming to me and why I decided to take a different approach. Instead of making a long list of resolutions at the beginning of the year, I pick one new thing to work on every two to three months throughout the year. That way I can put all of my focus and energy into one thing at a time.” 

“Did that work?” Jan asked

Nancy took a deep breath. “Well, at first it was extremely difficult.  I made my list and started to put the easy things at the top, but then I realized that I was really just putting off changing the things that were most important and would be most beneficial to me and my family. So I picked the most difficult thing first and that was to quit smoking. In the beginning I had a lot of stops and starts and there were moments when I really just wanted to give up, but I didn’t. It has been nine months since I last smoked. Once I learned that I could overcome the most difficult thing, I didn’t feel so overwhelming to change the other things in my life. As a matter of fact, I am more confident now then ever that I can change other things, one at a time.  Does that make sense?”

“Yes, it does! Congratulations!  I have my list here with me, can you help me get started?” Jan asked

“Sure” Nancy said smiling.  “But before we start, there’s one more thing. Making changes in your life takes more than a commitment to yourself. We break commitment’s to ourselves all the time and that’s bad enough, but I don’t want to disappoint others who count on me. I also made the commitment to God and my family, not just to hold me accountable, but to encourage me and support me through the journey. That has made a huge difference in my success. We don’t walk this path alone”

“I’m ready!” Jan said and with a smile on her face pushing the donut across the table out of reach.

It is the time of year when many people make resolutions to change. God’s call to holy living, is a call to healthy living.  He needs us to be healthy and strong mentally, physically and emotionally to do his work. When we allow unhealthy habits to take over our lives it drains us of our strength and God given talents and ultimately robs others from the blessings that God has entrusted us to deliver.

Matthew 26:41 (NLT) “Keep watch and pray so that you will not give into temptation. For the spirit is willing, but he body is weak” 

Change does not come easy and there will be moments when we lapse back into old habits. Satan is always tempting us, but through prayer and God’s grace we will be successful. We may fall one hundred times, but He will stand us up again each time and empower us to endure the journey.      

When we change ourselves to live healthy with self-control, God will work wonders and through our transformation our lives will overflow with his abundance. 

"I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me - spiritually and financially."  Denzel Washington

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”
― Lao Tzu

"You must admit you have self-control before you can use it.” Carrie Latet